


(This Is) What Love Is

by hwe (plumroot)



Series: Birthday Babes [3]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, ok literally... i am not proud of this so have no expectations, summary: binhwan are daddies and jundong are there too just because
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 01:32:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13602783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumroot/pseuds/hwe
Summary: It won’t last. The play will eventually end. The sun eventually sets. Boats leave the port again. But Hanbin's arm stays there, doesn't go anywhere, for the rest of the play.And that, for Jinhwan, feels like eternity.





	(This Is) What Love Is

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start... this story will make more sense if you've read 'In Those Days'. Like with every work in the Birthday Babes series, this is set in a universe I will from today onwards coin 'Sangverse' because they're all in this dumb fictional town called 'Sangdong'. Just know that, LOL
> 
> As always, I wrote this for #SEXYJinhwanDay or whatever... and since this is gonna be bad,.,., please, please feel free to kill me.... I deserve it

"Hey. Hyung." Jinhwan looks up from the bowl he is drying to see his brother-in-law standing across the kitchen, back turned. He registers an exhilarated squeal belonging to his son in the living room, followed by a painful groan. Donghyuk pours two cups of hot tea and hands one to Jinhwan.

       "Thanks. Are they still rehearsing the play?"

       "Nah, they're playing Connect Four."

       "Sounds a bit too exciting."

       Donghyuk chuckles. "It is exciting indeed. Tae is enjoying himself. Whoever wins each round gets to flick the other's forehead. June looks like he needs an ice pack."

       " _June_?" Jinhwan repeats, and from the flustered expression that replaces Donghyuk's smile he can tell it was a slip of the mouth. Jinhwan catches it, though, and, with a raised eyebrow, grins teasingly at the younger male. "Over dinner he was still Jun _hwe._ What else happened between then and now? Did you guys hold hands? Make out? Get married?"

       Donghyuk nearly chokes on his tea, the redness on his face definitely nothing to do with the steam rising from the cup. Jinhwan takes a sip nonchalantly. "Gee. Don't pretend you didn't do all that stuff with Hanbin-hyung. Worse yet, you did it around _me_ , thinking I'd be too young to understand. Also," Donghyuk glares pointedly at Jinhwan, "we're only friends."

       Jinhwan sighs. "I guess _only friends_ kiss each other good night."

       "What the-"

       Taehyung comes bursting into the kitchen with Junhwe on his heels. "It's time for ice cream, papa! Since I won five times and Uncle June only won two, can I have a big, enormous scoop?" He rummages through the drawers to pull out his favourite bowl and spoon, holding them up for Jinhwan with a bright hopeful smile.

       "None can do, Tae." Jinhwan softly pries them from his son, putting the plasticware away.

       The boy pouts, and it's the kind of pout Hanbin would have absolutely no idea how to resist but Jinhwan does. Through experience and patience. "How about just a _little_ bit bigger than Uncle June's?"

       "I meant no more ice cream for tonight. Didn't you already have an ice cone after school?"

       "But if daddy-"

       "No buts, Taehyung. Besides, detectives don't eat ice cream. Right, Detective Junhwe?"

       "Y-yeah. No. I'd never eat ice cream. Hate it." The tall male tears his eyes from Donghyuk (Jinhwan catches _everything_ ) to nod at Jinhwan, and then after a moment nods down at Taehyung, who stares up in disappointment. Jinhwan can tell why Donghyuk likes the detective - well, apart from the fact that he is tall and dashing. While preferring to maintain a impenetrable professional image, in private Junhwe is an entirely opposite person. In a way, his dorkiness and utter helplessness around Donghyuk reminds Jinhwan of Hanbin during their dating days.

      Jinhwan ruffles his son's hair. "You're past your bedtime, Tae. Go brush your teeth."

      Taehyung leaves with Junhwe, wrapping his small hand around the man's long finger. " _Are you sure detectives don't eat ice cream? What if I'm not allowed into detective school because I like ice cream?"_ Jinhwan hears Taehyung ask, quietly and worriedly, from the hallway.

       Donghyuk gives Jinhwan a silent, sorrowful look.

      _"Erm… They are allowed to eat ice cream, but just a little."_

_"… Are you sure?"_

_"Yep. Don't you worry."_

_"Okay…"_

       "You didn't have to go _that_ far…" Donghyuk comments later, finishing the rest of his tea. "I think you just broke Tae's little heart back there," he adds jokingly.

       See, Jinhwan practically had to figure out this whole "parenting" thing alone. Still is. For every breath his son takes, Jinhwan is taking two. Every step forward, Jinhwan is already thinking three ahead. There is the strict parent, and then there is the fun parent. He tries to be both. He tries. In particular moments he thinks, what would Hanbin do? In particular moments, he wishes Hanbin is here, doing _it_ , whatever it is.

       "So," Jinhwan steers the topic, placing his cup in the sink, " _June_."

       "Okay you know what. I'm going." Donghyuk turns quickly to hide his blush, and Jinhwan laughs. "Thanks for dinner."

       "Tae would love to be your ring bearer."

       "What even."

       Donghyuk stops by the door, and then steps aside as Taehyung rushes past him and wraps himself around Jinhwan's legs. While he excitedly opens his mouth to show Jinhwan his squeaky-clean teeth, Jinhwan looks up for a brief moment and catches Donghyuk wiping Junhwe's cheek.

        "Okay, bye! We're going! See you tomorrow, Tae!" Donghyuk grins as Taehyung runs up to him with a hug and a kiss, followed by a slowed version of a complicated handshake with Junhwe.

       Before leaving, Donghyuk pulls Jinhwan in for a hug. He knows what his brother-in-law is about to say - he is grateful that Donghyuk is predictable like this. And while he hears this regularly, up to the point where it shouldn't sound new or make him feel anything new, it still does. It still means something to Jinhwan. "You know, hyung. I say this all the time. But I really mean it. You're doing a good job. Hanbin-hyung is lucky to have you."

 

*******

 

It is worth it, Jinhwan reminds himself. This is something he knows.

       But during moments like this where his son is sprawled on the kitchen floor, crying and screaming and kicking, a glistening mess of tears and snot and dribble on his otherwise adorable face, he begins to feel his conviction slipping. Pororo bowl overturned and the matching utensils scattered on the tiles, spilt noodles and spilt soup. If only this was the problem, the solution would be easy. It wouldn't be a problem. Jinhwan would just clean the mess, cook new noodles, and tell his son to be more careful next time. This is not the problem.

       "Baby," Jinhwan says softly, kneeling beside the small figure to calmly brush a hand through his matted hair.

       "I want daddy," the child cries. He longer flinches or tries to resist Jinhwan. There is no struggle. This is the precise sound of defeat; weak sobs and small, convulsive gasps. "Where is daddy?"

       Taehyung only turned five in December. He understands many things about the world, like how touching the bumpy side of a knife will hurt and make him bleed; he should drink every last drop of milk from his cup or he will not grow up big and strong like his dad; lying is wrong; Santa Clause is not real; sometimes silence is an answer.

       He still loves going the port. His eyes are wide and mouth formed in an 'o' every time he sees the docked fishing boats, unable to comprehend something so enormous. With the salty sea breeze blowing in their faces, he kisses Hanbin goodbye from Jinhwan's hip and asks when he will be back. "Soon," Hanbin answers with a smile, slightly strained. Taehyung isn't old enough to tell the difference. "Soon, buddy."

       "Soon" means unstable video calls at dawn when Taehyung is already asleep and Jinhwan tries to stay awake with a second wine glass, lagging faces and choppy audio, childish giggles and tired kisses through the screen. It means being out at sea for months on end and then being home for a couple of weeks. And then back out at sea for months on end. It means missing birthdays, anniversaries, important milestones. It means living those birthdays, anniversaries, and important milestones through videos and pictures. Taehyung loses his first tooth and grins widely with a funny gap in his mouth, blood-stained incisor in is tiny hand, posing for a photograph that will end up amongst a stack inside Hanbin's wallet. It means raising their son, alone. The crying, sleepless nights, laughter and joy, scrapes and bruises, pride, lessons taught and lessons learned, love and bottled frustration. It means looking at their son and seeing both Hanbin and himself. It means wanting Hanbin to be here to experience it all, fatherhood, before Taehyung grows up too quickly. It means knowing it can't happen. "Soon" means waiting. It means enduring. Jinhwan is good at that.

       That might be the problem.

 

*******

 

After sliding his novel into the bedside drawer because he can no longer keep his eyes open, Jinhwan is about to turn off the lamp when his phone rings. His heart does a little jump.

       "Hey darling. Can you hear me? Is the video lagging? Hyung?"

       Jinhwan smiles at his husband, who is propped against his bunk with one arm behind his head. The yellow cabin light above him illuminates his face, which is still slightly blurry from the less than perfect internet connection. "Hey love. I can. I can."

       "Is it too late? I'm sorry, things dragged on for a bit."

       Jinhwan straightens up, all the day's exhaustion melting from his bones at the sight of Hanbin. "It's fine. I wasn't planning to sleep yet, anyway. How was your day? Heard there was a storm close to your whereabouts."

       "Ah! We managed to dodge that. We were right outside of it, watching it happen. Quite a spectacle. One of the boys caught it on camera -"

       "Shh…. Just hang on a moment. I think I hear a sound coming from Taehyung's room. Or it might just be the wind."

       "Oh! He’s awake?" Hanbin is adorable like that; he's all unshaved stubble and large, calloused hands, barks and curses, but has the softest smile when he talks about his son. He is still clinging to the excitement of a new father - something Jinhwan lost a long time ago. "Bring him over. I want to see him."

       "It's 2am honey; I hope he's not. He should be knocked out right now. We practiced his lines all night. Even I'm tired. Let's whisper just in case."

      "Oh yeah, the production would be soon, wouldn't it? Saturday night. It's hard to tell the days apart on board. Does Tae still cry on stage?"

       "No. He's gotten better." Jinhwan chuckles at the memory. "He stopped when they nearly swapped him out for Jimin, because Jimin does ballet and doesn't have stage fright. You know, motorcyclist Joe's kid? Anyway, Tae really wants to be the tiger. He loves the costume. I think if they let him bring it home he'd sleep in it."

       "This is _The Sun and the Moon_ , right? They've done that since forever, haven't they. Reckon it's so they can reuse the costumes every year. I remember playing the tree and falling asleep standing up. I think during Donghyuk's year he wanted to play the mother. Think he cried for a week because they didn't let him. You remember that, right? Mum and dad went down to Bonghwa for a weekend and neither of us knew how to deal with him."

       "Yeah, of course."

       "Anyway, how _is_ my brother these days? Him and that detective boy… What's his name again?"

       "Junhwe," Jinhwan answers, rolling his eyes jokingly. "Also, why do you sound so disapproving? He's a good kid!"

       "We thought the same about Seokmin, until he broke Donghyuk's heart."

       "He had to move out of town, Bin. They were both hurt. Let it go." Jinhwan pulls a blanket up to his chin, snuggling into his sheets. "Besides, your brother isn't an innocent teenager anymore. He's in his early twenties. He knows what is right for him. Or if not, then he has all the time to figure out."

       "I'm just saying, darling. I met that detective boy three times and every time he looked like he had a stick up his ass. What does our cheerful, sunshine Donghyuk even see in him?" Hanbin whines.

       "… It's none of our business, love. But I can tell you he makes good puns, has a charming smile, and he's quite dorky, really. If you're ever in a room with him and Donghyuk, you'll see."

      "He knows how to smile?! By the way, you've never told _me_ that my smile is charming."

      "Anyway. He's not frigid _all_ the time. I've seen them giggle around each other. When I'm around them it feels like I'm not even there. Wow, what is that face for? Well, Tae really likes hanging out with him. Have I told you? Tae says he wants to be a detective when he grows up."

       Hanbin scoffs. "Just wait until I come back-"

       Jinhwan perks. "Oh! Oh. Look who is here." Taehyung peeks sleepily from behind the door of Jinhwan's room, blanket dragging by his feet. "Were we too loud?  Come here, baby."

       "He's up?!" Hanbin's smile grows bigger as his son comes into view of the screen, crawling onto the bed into Jinhwan's lap. "Oh, hey buddy! Hey… how are you?"

       "Hi daddy."

       "Daddy asked how you are, Tae. Ah. He yawned. He's sleepy."

       Hanbin's eyes are practically sparkling. "I'm not surprised. Hey buddy, I heard your play is soon."

       "Yeah! I'm the tiger, daddy! I'm the tiger! I practice my lines every day after school with papa and Uncle Donghyuk and sometimes Uncle June. He does a silly voice when he pretends to be the girl. It's funny. Do you want to hear me practice, daddy?"

       Jinhwan smooths Taehyung's bed-fluffed hair. "Ah… stop bouncing so much Tae, your hair is in my face. Also, I think daddy is tired. Maybe you can read them to him tomorrow."

       "Yeah, that'll be better, Tae. You seem quite tired too. So, you're the tiger huh? Are you sure you're fierce and cunning enough?"

       "I'm the fiercest and most cunning tiger in the world, daddy."

       Jinhwan loves the sound of Hanbin's laughter. Through the phone, it is slightly crackled and hitched, but it sounds like bright fireworks. It feels like he is right here, beside him. "I believe you, Tae. Did you know when I was a kid just like you I played the tree?"

       "And he fell asleep while doing it."

       "Really? Jeonggukkie is a tree. Jeonggukkie still sucks his thumb."

       "This is Namjoon's kid we're talking about, right?"

       "Yeah, the little one. Hey, Tae. Tell daddy what you think about Uncle June."

       "Uncle June? He's cool. He knows how to box! Daddy, do you know how to box?"

       "What's with this kid flexing his masculinity…"

       "See, love. Tae likes him. He's not a bad guy at all. I think _someone_ just feels a bit threatened…"

       "Pfft… By the way Tae. Yes, daddy can box. It's just punching. It's nothing special."

       "Wow, Bin."

       "… Daddy?"

       "Yeah, buddy? What's up?"

       "Will you come to watch my play?"

       "… I'm sorry Tae. Daddy's out at sea, remember? Catching lots and lots of big fish for you to eat."

       "Can't you just come back?"

       In a way, Jinhwan is jealous that their son is still young and naive. He can still ask this question to Hanbin, with childlike innocence, and naturally have hope that the answer could go his way one out of the many times. "… Tae."

       Hanbin looks incredibly sorry, but forces a smile. "I'd love to, buddy. Uncle Donghyuk and his friend will be there. I will even ask Uncle Minho to come since you haven't seen him for ages."

       "But I want daddy to come and watch me…"

       "Hey baby, you have school tomorrow and daddy has to wake up early. Why don't you kiss daddy goodnight and you can talk again tomorrow?"

       Taehyung doesn't seem completely convinced, but his eyes are droopy and the warmth from being nestled in Jinhwan's arms does its trick. "Okay. Goodnight daddy."

       "Goodnight Tae. Sweet dreams. I love you."

       "Love you too, daddy."

       When Jinhwan returns after tucking his son back into his own bed, Hanbin is still lying in the same position in his bunk, rubbing a hand over his face. "… Hey love. Let's call it a night. People at the clinic have been falling sick recently, so including myself there are only two vets available this week. I'm covering Miyoung's early shift tomorrow, which starts in approximately… six hours."

       "Ah… Tae will _love_ you when you wake him up for school."

       "When you're back, you're going to be in charge every morning."

       "Pfft… it's nothing I can't handle."

       "Huh. Let's see."

       "When's the play, again? Is it Saturday?"

       Jinhwan yawns. "Yeah."

       "Make sure you record it, okay."

       "I know, Bin. Will do."

       "Go to sleep now."

       "Right. Goodnight."

       "Goodnight darling. Thank you for everything you do. You and Tae are the best things in my life."

       "Don't say stuff like that…"

       "Why not? It's true."

       "Okay… Goodnight, Bin. Love you."

       "I love you too. I miss you. Can't wait to see you guys."

       "You too, love."

 

******* 

 

For all the boasting in the car, yelling his lines while hopping up and down in his seat so eagerly that Jinhwan was worried his son would rip the seatbelt, Taehyung starts tearing up backstage when he sees the stage lights and the audience slowly filling up the seats. He's in his costume, slightly faded, patches around the knees and elbows where the fluff is only a thin layer, but magnificent and a childhood dream attained nevertheless.

       He is still alright as they walk in, waving to Jinhwan happily while being whisked away by their first-grade teacher behind the door backstage. Jinhwan has enough time to poke around the snack table, meet Donghyuk and Junhwe as they walk in looking like another pair of parents, and greet the school principal, before a little boy dressed as a tree comes up to him to let him know that his son is crying and won't stop.

       Amidst the hustle and bustle backstage, Nayeon's mum crying for the kids to stay still as she applies their makeup and Mrs Park running around looking for the misplaced basket holding the ddeok prop, Jinhwan finds Taehyung standing behind the red curtain of the stage, peering through a tiny sliver into the crowd. He is shaking in his costume, paw gloves clenched.

      "Hey, baby." Jinhwan kneels and brings his son to face him. The orange and black make-up around his eyes is smudged. When he sees Jinhwan, he immediately wraps himself tightly around his father. The fur of the costume tickles Jinhwan's face. In his arms, despite wearing this thick costume, his son has never felt so small. "What's up?"

       "I don't want to perform."

       "Why not? You're the tiger! You're the star of the show!"

       "I don't want to perform. I'm scared."

       "Scared about what, baby?"

       Taehyung stays silent, nestling his face into the crook of Jinhwan's neck.

       "Are you scared of people laughing at you?"

       After a moment, he nods softly, small nose rubbing against Jinhwan's, now wet, skin.

       "Why would they laugh at you, Tae? You're the tiger! You’re the most fierce, cunning tiger! You've practiced so much, with me, with Uncle Donghyuk, Uncle Junhwe… you'll be amazing out there, Tae. Everyone will clap and cheer for you."

       It's at this very moment, this moment where he finishes talking to Taehyung, and is about to wipe his son's tears, when his phone rings. It's Hanbin's ringtone. Jinhwan's immediate reaction when this happens is to be semi-frustrated. Taehyung doesn't need a reminder right now that his father won't be coming to watch his play. But Taehyung suddenly looks up, tip of his nose red, and stares at Jinhwan's coat pocket with wide eyes.

       Jinhwan picks up reluctantly, handing the phone to Taehyung while watching closely for his son's expression.

       "Hey buddy! Are you preparing for the play?" Hanbin's voice is muffled by what sounds like busy chatter.

       "Daddy!"

       "Hey… Where's papa? … Why are your eyes so red, Tae?"

       "Papa's next to me."

       "Did you cry, Tae? Why did you cry?"

       Jinhwan leans in closer. Hanbin's face fills up the screen, and the light is slightly dimmer than usual. "He's nervous, and he thinks people will laugh at him."

       "Really, Tae? That's so silly! No one would dare laugh at you! You know your lines so well and you're the perfect tiger! Who would laugh at you?"

       "See?" Jinhwan gently pats dry the tears from his son's face. "Even daddy says so."

       Taehyung frowns. "What if they do?"

       "What if they do?" Hanbin repeats, and Jinhwan has the slightest hunch that something is strange, but he can't pinpoint what it is. "Then I will tell them to stop."

       "What if they don't stop?"

       "Then I will punch them."

       Jinhwan makes a noise of disapproval, which Hanbin chuckles at.

       "You don't even know how to box, daddy. Uncle June does."

       Hanbin groans. "Okay. Me and Uncle… _June_. Both of us. We will make them stop."

       "How? You're not here…"

       There is a moment of silence. Jinhwan has come to resent these moments, a breath before Taehyung's heart is broken all over again, before the same apologies and promises, sweet lies their child has no choice but to believe. It's selfish. Jinhwan can't help but wonder who is more hurt out of the three of them.

       Yet, Hanbin says the impossible. "Why don't you come outside and have a look, buddy? Through the curtain. Come!"

       Jinhwan's not sure that he's hearing right, and then when he processes what he thinks he has just heard, he can barely think further before Taehyung is dragging him by the hand and through the curtain. Bright stage lights pointed towards them, blinding, a gasp from one audience member who misinterprets that something is starting, and then when his senses are clearer, down the aisle, walking towards them…

       "Daddy!"

       Hanbin, in a brown leather jacket and dark trousers, looking every bit as handsome as he always is, strides down the aisle with a shit-eating grin on his face. Taehyung practically jumps off the stage and runs towards him, and spiritually Jinhwan is doing the same, but physically his entire being is frozen.

       It's not a hallucination. Maybe it is. Hanbin said he wouldn't be back until the end of the month. But here he is. So, it's not. His husband is here, with him and their son. He watches as Hanbin picks Taehyung up with ease and twirls him around, the endearing smile on his husband's face and the way his son's face scrunches when he giggles.

       Hanbin approaches him with a warm smile, an overjoyed Taehyung clinging to his torso, and dammit - Jinhwan hates being emotional in public, but he's crying now.

       "W-wha…" Jinhwan can't even form words. Up close, Hanbin looks like a dream. "H-how…?" Hanbin's eyes soften, and he kisses Jinhwan, Taehyung squealing slightly as he is pressed between his parents. At the end, Jinhwan, after wiping his eyes and drinking in every feature of Hanbin's face to make sure he is real, can only ask, "Why did you ask me to record the play if you were planning to come anyway?"

       Hanbin smirks. "So I can watch it again later?"

       Mrs Park, seemingly stressed beyond a bearable point, comes looking for their main character. Taehyung's confidence has come back, and with a brave smile to his dad and papa he follows the teacher backstage to fix his make-up and get ready for the show. They slip beside Donghyuk and Junhwe in the third row. Having watched the whole thing (and orchestrated it, too, apparently, which will make Jinhwan question exactly how much he should trust his 'angel' brother-in-law), Donghyuk cannot stop grinning.

      The lights dim, chatter hushes, and red curtain drops. Applause and cheers. Hanbin giggles as Jinhwan pulls out his phone to record, as promised, and he puts an arm around the smaller male's shoulder. Jinhwan sinks into the touch, familiarising himself inside the crooks and curves of his husband's embrace. He will give himself that much. It won’t last. The play will eventually end. The sun eventually sets. Boats leave the port again. But Hanbin's arm stays there, doesn't go anywhere, for the rest of the play.

       And that, for Jinhwan, feels like eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday to my love. You are doing an incredible job and I am proud of you. Thank you for everything. Stay healthy, happy and warm. Love you.


End file.
